THE VIGILANT CHRISTIAN BLAMES SATAN FOR HIS PORN HABIT

Mario Brisson is a gay-bashing, misogynistic, transphobic anti-Satanist conspiracy nut with a YouTube channel called “The Vigilant Christian.” And now he says he’s hooked on that most Satanic of all Internet output: porn. Happy day.

Brisson is one of those people who imagines fiendish Satanic conspiracies in everything: iPhones, Beyonce, Santa Claus, the Lion King, ebola vaccine, Darwin, the Large Hadron Collider, and (oddly) YouTube itself. Everything.

Note that this man somehow accumulated 440,000 subscribers. Possibly by sneaking into 440,000 homes and subscribing everyone himself.

I normally avoid his channel, but even I got curious when he started weeping on camera this week and saying Satan was “defeating” him. If only because this sounded a bit like my birthday wish.

Turns out the Vigilant Christian believes Satan has “perverted his mind” with porn. That could mean virtually anything coming from this guy, of course. For all we know the whole affair may turn out to be about a faded Victoria’s Secret mailer hidden in his pillowcase.

(Anything to be a martyr, after all…)

“Oh no, you’re martyring me with arrows. I’m totally not into this at all. Just look at my face.”

Despite the promise of a juicy revelation, Brisson’s “sins” turned out to be depressingly parochial. He watches porn, has had casual sex, and hates himself later. I do all of those same things, just in a different order.

In case you’re still unclear on how naive this 31 year old man is, consider that he referred to his mother’s old job selling vibrators as “the sex industry.”

At the end he asked everyone to pray for him. I burned his photo and sprinkled the ashes on images of porn stars in front of a Baphomet statue. Feel free to debate whether I’m joking about that for as long as you like.

Now, I don’t really want to gossip about this guy’s issues. Although given his track record, it’s easy to snicker at Brisson’s distress. Painting watercolors with his glorious tears might even be in order.

But there’s a reason I’m touching on this beyond just schadenfreude. See, despite what a piece of work he is, it was hard not to feel sorry for the guy.

He just has a normal sex drive, but acts like he’s confessing to pederasty. His fanaticism creates an impossible and unhealthy standard of “purity.” It’s pitiful in the truest sense of the word.

But just when I was empathizing with him despite my good judgment, he opened his mouth.

In the midst of Brisson’s diatribe, he took time to add that porn companies are “run by Satanists” that “abuse the women.”

The worst part of a mind control orgy is never remembering why you’re so damn hung over later.

Brisson even “guarantees” that some performers are mind controlled and calls them “broken people,” for maximum creep factor.

Sex workers I know are all smart, healthy, and well-adjusted. The Vigilant Christian, on the other hand, is crying into a webcam about his mom’s vibrator business. Who’s “broken” now?

This looks like another case of the co-mingled religious phobia of sex and women in general.

The problem here isn’t “Satan.” It’s that this guy has a standard libido, a pious hatred of his own basic needs, and a habit of slut shaming.

(He did insist during his blubbering that he “loves women.” But he also asked his cultists to pray he “finds a good wife” so that he can “get out the urge.” Yes, all this could be yours, ladies…)

Meanwhile, Brisson’s preoccupation with everyone else’s sex life now makes a wearying degree of sense. It’s like a paint by numbers for self-loathing bigotry.

Old Anton LaVey said that he always saw the same men at the carnival on Saturday night and in church on Sunday morning.

“I knew then that the church thrives on hypocrisy,and that man’s carnal nature will out no matter how […] purged or scoured,” he wrote.

And now not a one of us can say that we haven’t seen that too.

“So Vicar, what’s in store for tomorrow’s sermon?”