TIME TO EXORCISE BAY AREA’S FAKE EXORCISTS
Did you know that the Bay Area is home to one of America’s most famous fake exorcists?
Father Gary Thomas is the Vatican’s exorcism appointment in the South Bay. He’s pretended to perform exorcisms there since training in Rome back in 2005. They even made a boring Anthony Hopkins movie about him, The Rite.
In the city we’ve got a fake exorcist of our own, Father Lauriola. He pretends to perform exorcisms in Bernal Heights. No movie forthcoming, but maybe, being number two, he tries harder.
I call them fake exorcists because neither has ever performed a real exorcism. Real exorcisms are impossible, since demons don’t exist. These priests’ “patients” are presumably suffering from something else. Possibly, from having a priest insist that the devil is inside of them.
Thomas was a priest for decades without encountering the devil. Only after his exorcism training did he suddenly discover demons in his parish. Apparently this doesn’t strike him as at all convenient.
Unlike in the movies, real priests spend years “exorcising” a person, usually once or twice a week. Can you imagine goings years on end convinced that the devil is inside of you? And every week, a priest, a man you trust, confirms the delusion. Surely this is dangerous?
If fake exorcists really wanted to help their parishioners, they’d tell them the truth: there are no demons. Certainly none treating our bodies like abusive Airbnb guests who overstay their booking and trash the décor.
To prove it, we’re performing our own patented Reverse Exorcism on September 22 (one day before “The Exorcist” premieres on Fox, since pop culture is so much more interesting than real theology).
A Reverse Exorcism is when you take a healthy, non-possessed volunteer and invite a demon to possess him. Which it won’t, of course. But we promise it will be a good time.
If you’d like to attend or volunteer, let us know. Hey, possession might not be so bad. You’ll always have someone to talk to, learning tricky yoga positions and dead languages will be a piece of cake, and becoming an ancient being of pure hellfire is probably really good for your assertiveness.
And once it’s all over, maybe Father Thomas and Father Lauriola can put away the holy water and solve some real problems.