A COMPLETE TUCKER CARLSON GUIDE TO WHAT THE HELL SATANISM IS
Tucker Carlson is a Fox News host who forever looks like he smells an open sewer. On Thursday, he performed his equivalent of an interview with Satanic Temple co-founder Lucien Greaves. American public discourse is expected to eventually recover, given time.
The topic was TST’s campaign to erect a monument in Minnesota. Six months ago, the town of Belle Plaine insisted on a limited public forum in their veterans park in a bid to legalize a Christian religious icon there.
Then TST got ready to donate their own tribute to vets. Suddenly the townsfolk changed the law back, sacrificing the Christian imagery formerly so important to them.
Chastising Satan, it seems, takes precedent over honoring god and the troops.
But Carlson mostly neglected these issues. Instead he wanted a fumbling debate about Satanism itself. “This seems like a way to just give the finger to everyone,” he said. (A surprising opening bid from a man giving the finger to his own guest.)
“Satanism is a silly, made-up religion,” Carlson continued. He only approves of “millennia old” religions that “run hospitals, churches, and schools.”
Finally he concluded, “The point of calling this Satanism is to horrify normal people.”
Greaves simply pointed out that the law affords Satanists the same rights as anyone else. Carlson’s opinion about it is so unimportant, it might not even matter to Tucker himself.
Still, Tucker’s blunders are common ones. Even people who speak up for Satanists often claim we’re “just trolling” and that Satanism is all about “pissing off Christians.”
I’ll confess, occasional trolling is handy for proving a point. And I don’t particularly care if Christians (a pampered, privileged majority in search of grievances) get upset or not. Their pedestals need to be jostled more often.
But as usual, Tucker Carlson, a man most famous for that time Jon Stewart verbally uppercutted him so hard that it knocked him right off CNN, gets everything backwards.
Take his claim that Satanism is “silly and made-up.” Okay, other people’s religious beliefs may appear absurd to the rest of us, sure. Fifteen million Mormons put on their magic underwear today, after all.
But that’s just an argument from incredulity. I find the slapped-ass look on Carlson’s face silly, but he still has the same rights I do.
And Tucker’s talk of “made-up” religions plays right into the hands of smartass Internet atheists. The jokes are so easy that saying nothing at all is more work.
More importantly, this is a double standard. As a Jesus fan, Tucker Carlson believes that all non-Christian religions are “made up.” But he doesn’t dismiss Hindus or Sikhs etc as too “silly” to brook. Only Satanists.
Carlson’s demand that religions must run hospitals and schools is similarly two-faced. I mean, he wouldn’t even let us donate art to a park. Imagine his reaction if Satanists tried to open a hospital. His old bow-tie would start physically spinning.
As for “horrifying normal people?” Well, like I said, I don’t care if “normal people” (whoever that is) find our beliefs scary. Their beliefs scare me, after all.
And I’m not afraid of leveraging their silly fears to undermine their privileges. Other people’s superstitions aren’t my problem.
But I’m not a Satanist for the sake of scaring Ma and Pa Kent. Simply, the myth of Satan gratifies me.
Take satirist Anatole France’s 1914 book The Revolt of the Angels. Here, the devil is the ultimate revolutionary, fighting for “liberty, curiosity, and doubt.” And also the great author of earthly happiness:
“He charmed the wild beasts, and on all creatures bestowed kindness and grace. Magnificent and benign, he fared across the world, a long procession following.”
For my money, that beats out Jesus, Muhammad, and L Ron Hubbard combined. Tucker Carlson can disagree if he wants to. But I won’t wait up for him.
Humanism, skepticism, feminism, sex-positivity, irreverence; do people find these Satanic values “horrifying?”
I guess that’s their business. The devil may care, but I’ve got my own prerogative.