DEAR JERUSALEM: PLEASE STOP TRYING TO END THE WORLD, SIGNED THE WORLD
Well, fundies are trying to end the world again, this time with the help of Jerusalem, Donald Trump, and Roy Moore. Sigh.
You know, I’m an easygoing fella. I don’t ask for much in life: good books, time with loved ones, the comforting guidance of Satan, etc.
Also, I like it when the world doesn’t come to an end. I’m a regular Joe that way. But as I’ve observed before, millions of my fellow Americans do not agree.
A certain fundamentalist fatwah declares that believers should be brashly enthusiastic about the concept of global extinction. They rush toward the promised “End Times” with arms outstretched, like they’re six years old and it’s a nuclear puppy.
I keep hoping this freakish evangelical impulse will blow over, like food poisoning or an annoying hashtag. But here we are again.
In a speech two weeks ago, alleged US President Donald Trump called Jerusalem the capital of Israel, something past presidents have avoided doing for reasons that make my head hurt, as if tiny gremlins were mining their way out of my skull.
More important is why he did it. University of North Texas Professor Elizabeth Oldmixon explained the incentives to Vox: “You have this group looking for signs of the end time. The gathering of the Jews to the Holy Land is a prerequisite for these events.”
Ah yes, holy land: The one thing they’re definitely not making any more of.
So the present US-Israeli policy is not really about Israel. It’s about vague interpretations of an Iron Age holy book.
“I see us in the middle of prophecy right now,” professional Jerusalem fetishist Mike Evans told CBN in response to the Trump speech.“God has used this imperfect vessel in an amazing way.”
Personally I miss the days when prophecies were just something we used to defeat Voldemort.
To be clear, the evangelical position on this boils down to, “This is good because it will end the world faster.” Well that’s fine. No red flags there.
But here’s the thing: It’s not just Jerusalem. If you give them 20 minutes and sufficient coffee, these people can play the same game with virtually any bit of news.
Despite my worst expectations, Alabama decided not to vote 70-year-old prom date Roy Moore into a Senate seat Tuesday. The judge reportedly spent election night drowning his sorrows in Kool-Aid.
Later he responded by refusing to concede and just railing on YouTube about abortion, gay rights, and “immorality sweeping over the land.”
I’ve seen this routine before, it leads to starring roles for Bruno Ganz.
“Roy Moore is a soldier of Christ, and those that accused him has [sic] betrayed their souls,” user Trump Armor DLV helpfully informed us. “You are disciples of Satan, like Doug Jones. Hell is where you Satanists is [sic] going.”
Fun fact: Doug Jones played bass for Disciples of Satan in college.
Anyway, this is the important bit: “Satan will soon put the Anti-Christ 666 on the throne, and he will destroy humanity,” Trump Armor continues. “It’s the future!”
See, Doug Jones won, which means the End Times are coming, which means Jesus wins. Of course, if Roy Moore had won, that would also mean Jesus wins.
Since Trump Armor didn’t get his way, he went with the version of “Jesus wins” that involves destroying humanity. Because in some people’s minds that’s the preferable alternative to Jesus just losing a round.
For many of our fellow Americans politics boils down to an alarming binary: “Did I win, or should I start yearning unironically for the death of all humanity?”
There are only so many ways I can say this, but here goes another try: Satanism shouldn’t scare anybody. But THIS shit should scare the hell out of everyone.