THE SATANIC ILLUMINATI SUPER BOWL HALFTIME CONSPIRACY NOBODY THOUGHT THROUGH

I’m not a big Super Bowl fan, but I am very interested in the annual Illuminati Super Bowl halftime mind control ritual.

Yes, in case you missed it, apparently even the Super Bowl is a vast Satanic conspiracy these days. At least, that’s according to unhinged conspiracy assholes on YouTube–and when have they ever been wrong?

Still, this allegation strikes me as particularly odd even by their standards. After all, look how hard American business interests market the Super Bowl to anti-Satanist weirdos.

But somehow, like water into wine, all that pandering mystically becomes persecution instead. I guess all things really are possible through the power of Satan.

Presumably including…whatever the hell this is?

Back in 2017, bottomless well of batshit Alex Jones warned that Lady Gaga would “undoubtedly promote Satanism” during her Super Bowl halftime show:

“Gaga, who was part of Pizzagate, she’s going to be on top of the stadium to condition that ‘I am the goddess of Satan ruling over you with the rise of the robots’ in a ritual of lesser magic.”

Let it be known: Alex Jones is firmly against a woman being on top. I suspect his opposition is downright rigid. Engorged, even.

After the show, those Americans who still get Wi-Fi in their tinfoil bunkers set to explaining it all. With, um, mixed results:

“Notice…nations. Stars. Above the congregation (above the stadium of people)…fell from grace (she fell and is on the edge of Glory)…while we are all hypnotized by the light, glamor, sound. We just saw Satan’s fall and the entire world clapped. READ THE BOOK.”

I promise I didn’t just transcribe a stroke, this is really what conspiracy assholes said about 2017’s Super Bowl.

After this year’s show, professional critics scourged Justin Timberlake’s halftime show like they’re paid a bonus for drawing real blood:

“It restores our faith that society can abandon bad ideas,” Chris Richards wrote in the Washington Post.  No word on whether Timberlake has since surrendered his lunch money to Richards.

But of course the big question was: How Satanic was Timberlake’s Super Bowl show? Conspiracy assholes assure me: very. On a scale of one to ten, Timberlake doesn’t even use numbers, because Numbers is in the Bible.

“Timberlake went through the Disney mind control programming,” our old friend Jamie Bocchino warned his microphone while uploading three YouTube videos in a row gushing about “exposing” the singer this week.

The Satanic power of giant glowy ping pong balls and Katy Perry songs goes all the way back to Ancient Babylon.

How can he tell? “The backmasking on Timberlake’s song talks about serving Satan,” apparently. Wow, backmasking, that’s retro. In fact, that’s so old school Justin Timberlake might want to sample it for a single.

Apparently enough of Bocchino’s own viewers complained that the halftime show was not half as Satanic as he promised that he felt the need to bitch at them in yet another video:

“If you think Justin Timberlake was gonna walk onstage and sacrifice a baby or have an upside down cross and bow down to it, how ridiculous do you have to be?”

Yes, how ridiculous do you have to be to anticipate a horrifying “Satanic” ritual at the Super Bowl? A question for the ages…

The really strange thing is that the Super Bowl works hard to appeal to these very people. The over-saturated pageants of patriotism, the Americana-infused ads, kneecapping anthem kneelers, always thanking god, etc. None of that is directed at people like me.

No, the Super Bowl is for all of them. And yet, they contend it too is part of The Conspiracy™ to undermine them. Because that’s how the myth of Satan works for these people.

As with any piece of fiction, their villain must remain potent. Otherwise the story is over, and there goes their starring role in it.

Consequently, nothing will ever be good enough. When football players take a knee, that’s part of Satan’s agenda. When the NFL presents a Goliath-sized flag and open weeping during the national anthem, that’s apparently Satan’s Agenda too.

Similarly, is Donald Trump losing the election? Satan did that. But what’s that, he actually won? Well, Satan did that too. For some reason.

Because when you’re this privileged, you really can win for losing.

“Because I oooonly have eyes for youuu…”