MODERN MEDICINE: BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS A LITTLE SATANISM IN THEIR LIVES

Is anesthesia a tool of Satanist medicine? Depends how many centuries you wait for a second opinion.

Although the discovery of basic painkillers and sedatives only barely postdates the swallowing reflex, before 1847 no doctor deemed any narcotic appropriate for surgery. So nobody used any.

Surgeons usually employed beefy dudes to hold you down during the cutting. Other than that and a few encouraging words, coping with the pain was mostly on you.

“The arm bone’s connected to the…to the…oh who am I kidding, lads, I have no idea what I’m doing here.”

Any doctor worth his fashionable 19th century mustache should have hailed new drugs that catapult patients straight to dreamland as a godsend.

Instead, some prestigious physicians dubbed them a “Satanic influence,” particularly during childbirth.

Labor pains, remember, are supposedly a judgment on that fruit-eating tart, Eve. No fair reaching for the morphine now, ladies. God wants you to push that human being out of your body cavity the holy way.

To be fair, this was not the most common objection. But it’s not an isolated incident either. Name a medical breakthrough and I’ll name a religious freakout about it.

For example, did you know that the word “vaccination” is secret code for the Number of the Beast? Don’t worry, the Internet has plenty of religious kooks to explain it to you.

“If you think FDA approval takes a while, try waiting out eternity.”

Now me, I say if Satan gives you flu shots, painkillers, blood transfusions, and birth control, then he isn’t such a bad guy. Bring on the Satanist medicine.

Religious nuts have always wanted to tell people (especially women) what to do with their bodies. Satanism says that your body belongs only to you.

(Which you knew anyway.)

So which prescription do you prefer?

Wingnuts flipping out about vaccines is even an American tradition, for example; in the 18th century, some Boston ministers didn’t want to vaccinate for smallpox because smallpox was “god’s will.”

And the list goes on: blood drives are a Satanist plot; the only acceptable medicine is prayer; contraception is abortion which is also murder, etc. All medicine is Satanist medicine to someone.

“Be straight with us, ma’am, are you just not walking on purpose?”