The most dangerous thing any Satanist has done lately is get a little busy on Fred Phelps’ mom’s grave.

On the other hand, anti-Satanists just goaded a loon into shooting up a Washington DC pizza parlor.

Remind me again: Why are we supposedly the scary ones?

“Pizzagate” started when crazies on the Internet imagined that a Satanist cult abuses kids in the basement of a Washington DC pizza parlor.

They picked this place because the owner donated to Hillary Clinton. Whom crazies on the Internet also think is a child-sacrificing “Illuminati witch.” Of course.

I used to think the Satanic Panic was ancient history, and that only Satanists remember it anymore. But you can’t keep a good lie down.


pizzagate satanic panic

You don’t know good pizza until you’ve had a Hell-fired pizza.


Before last Sunday, Pizzagate was merely embarrassing. Then some nut got so worked up about it that he walked into the pizza joint with a rifle and let a few rounds off.

The shooter didn’t hurt anybody, although our national dignity may take a while to recover. He now says he “regrets how he handled the situation.” Isn’t he a dear.

One of Donald Trump’s advisors buys into this conspiracy. So does his unofficial Information Minister Alex Jones. And he’s stocking his cabinet with the kind of Christian fundamentalist crazies who love this talk.

The situation is so alarming that even the Church of Satan (usually downright squeamish about having an opinion on anything that might resemble politics at 1,000 yards) spoke up.

Pizzagate spread over online hate networks on the likes of 4Chan, but it‘s not a product of the 21st century. It‘s actually the oldest trick in the book.

For centuries, the most reliable way to rile up the crazies has been to convince them that the devil is hurting kids.


pizzagate satanic panic

Pictured: Variation on a theme.


Middle Ages conspiracy nuts insisted that Jews (who of course were believed to be minions of the devil) kidnapped and murdered Christian children. This conspiracy theory set off  occasional vigilante killing.

In the best-selling witch hunter’s manual of the 15th century, the German Inquisition testified that witches who eat children are the most powerful. Supposedly, Satan gave them the gifts of many witches combined.

And English-speaking countries in the 1980s convinced themselves that child molesting Satanists lurked behind every bush, tree, and highest level of government.

Notably, Pizzagate didn’t mention Satanism when the “story” first broke.  Other crazies added that element later.

Because they need it. It’s the security blanket that lets them know they’re on the good team. Notice how these people never go vigilante on real child molesters. That’s not what they care about.

Which leads me  back to a question I’ve pondered all along: Why are Satanists stuck with such a bad reputation when it’s anti-Satanists who are such obvious fucking lunatics?

Some people tell me we’re asking for trouble, what with the skulls and Baphomets and such. But I find a loaded rifle in the hands of a gullible madman much scarier than the devil. And so should everybody.


pizzagate satanic panic

When “Give me one with everything” backfires on you.