WHAT HAPPENS WHEN FLAT EARTHERS MEET SATAN, AND WHY WE’RE HAPPY ABOUT IT

The Flat Earth Society is enjoying a renaissance these days, despite their noted hostility to any form of enlightenment.

And yet, it turns out that even people who believe Satan is real and the world is 6,000 years old will draw a (curved) line in the sand over flat earth “theory.” In a sick way, this is a relief.

Flat earthers, as the name suggests, are modern women and men who believe that the earth is a flat disc.

They also believe that the sun orbits the earth, that Antarctica is a giant wall of ice at the edge of the world, and that NASA and the UN conceal all this.

Oh, and many of them believe “Satan” is behind this.

“I wanted a giant cube originally, but someone screwed up the work order. I just went with it.”

“Gravity was not proven. Isaac Newton and Einstein, all those scientists are Freemasons and Satan worshipers,” a flat earther from Florida told Mic last year.

Preacher and conspiracy nut Phil Stallings (who is also a white supremacist and homophobe and just about every other repulsive thing) calls the globe a “counterfeit scheme” by the devil to “disprove the Bible.”

Weird as this is, maybe it shouldn’t surprise us. Back in 1987, the great debunker Robert Schadewald warned that “Flat-earthism in the English-speaking world [is] always based upon the Bible.”

So of course “Satan” is behind the big globe conspiracy. Who else?

Now, religious zealots have always been afraid of science. That’s why the Satanic Temple enshrines scientific fact in one of their central tenets. (Consequently, the devil is just swimming in research grants these days…)

“…a little help? Anybody?”

But here’s the thing: If you press the matter, you’ll find that even the bulk of anti-Satanists and religious kooks consider flat earthers deeply insane.

 Ken “Ark Encounter” Ham doesn’t believe in a flat earth. Ken “Dr. Dino” Hovind doesn’t believe it either. Even Alex Jones doesn’t buy it.

Flat earthers have Bible and Koran verses to back them up, and their interpretations of the holy books aren’t even all that outlandish, relatively speaking. Adding Satan into the mix on top of that usually tips the balance.

But a lot of people who normally respond to that formula stop short with flat earthers. It’s too far even for them.

And in spite of myself, I find this encouraging. Through diligence, we’ve established a 2,600 year old scientific principle firmly enough that even fear of the devil cannot shake it MOST of the time.

It’s not much. But for the love of Baal, it’s something…

Originally published January 2017.

“I trust our bearings, okay? All I’m asking for here is a little faith.”