Nine days ago, thousands of witches, pagans, magicians, and other magically inclined people cast a spell of binding on Donald Trump.

Even though this was a pagan thing rather than a Satanic thing and even though I don’t really believe in magic, I enjoyed it. Partly because it resembled our own anti-Trump ritual and partly because it got fundies and fascists and kooks all riled up.

But a pattern soon emerged in fascist America‘s literal witch hunt. First, Alex Jones (America’s political Munchausen Syndrome sufferer) declared those binding Trump to be “Satanists.”

So did the Catholic Register, citing a so-called “exorcist” who warned “If you believe in evil, evil is against Trump.”


witches binding trump satan

“Don’t mind me, I’m off to not give a flying fuck.”

Pat Robertson (America’s tipsy grandpa) got in on the act. So did WND, 4Chan, r/TheDonald, Stormfront (nope, not linking to that), Christian Twitter, and everywhere else mediocre minds have too much sway.

Apparently no matter what you actually believe, if you’ve been binding Trump then you’re a Satanist now. Update your dog tags accordingly.

Most witches and pagans etc aren’t Satanists, of course. I guess you can’t expect InfoWars to know that (or much of anything really), but here’s the thing: Even if you explained it to them, they wouldn’t listen.

We‘re all Satanists to these people: gays, feminists, liberals, rock stars, rappers, artists, trans people, Black Lives Matter, Dungeons & Dragons players, daycare workers, the conservative PM of England who’s been dead for 12 years, Muslims, Hindus, Jews (an old favorite), atheists, physicists, biologists, Masons, witches, druids, shamans, free-thinkers, and of course pizza parlor owners.

(InfoWars even declared that the binding Trump spell “proved Alex Jones right” about Pizzagate. Wrap your brain around that one, if you dare.)


witches binding trump satan

“Actually this is just a cocktail. It’s how I magically put up with this bullshit.”

And so it goes. If it’s something they hate, it’s the devil to them. That’s why they invented Satan to begin with. This is incredibly obnoxious for the rest of us, but it’s also liberating.

The most common criticism of Satanists (other than that we’re all going to hell, of course…) is that the name itself is divisive and unhelpful. We‘d have a much easier time, we’re told, if we just called ourselves something else.

But people who are really afraid of such things would call us Satanists anyway. They’ll call YOU a Satanist too. Not being a Satanist has never spared anyone persecution for being a Satanist, from the Middle Ages on up.

You can ignore it or you can embrace it, but you’ll never get away from it.

That’s not to say that I think all the pagans and magicians and atheists in the world should become Satanists. (Although I wouldn’t stop them.)

But Satanists certainly shouldn’t shy away from the name. It’s not as if it would make a lick of difference anyway.


witches binding trump satan

“Grandma, are you okay? Ever since the election you’ve been staying in your cave and only coming out for fresh goat’s blood.”