I didn’t want to have opinions about the Teen Vogue anal sex essay, but the Internet forced me. And as Teen Vogue readers now know, some things you just shouldn’t force.

Here’s the deal: Teen Vogue recently published a comprehensive sex ed issue, including some tips for anal. Because Ba’al knows most schools won’t get the job done.

Presumably, that exposé might exposé a few teens to a necessary biology lesson, so hey, fine work.

But some fundamentalist parents responded by burning the magazine, genitalia diagrams and all. Because surely that’s what will really help kids: chestnuts roasting on an open fire.


teen vogue anal sex satan

Hey, sometimes you’ve just got to smite an ass.

Gigi Engle wrote the Teen Vogue anal sex guide, and it looks pretty reasonable to me:

“Most of what you’ll find [about anal on the Internet] is either porn or advice for experienced sexual persons. What about the teenagers? What about the LGBTQ young people who need to know about this for their health? […]

“Anal sex, though often stigmatized, is perfectly natural. People have been having anal sex since the dawn of humanity. It isn’t weird or gross.”

That’s all sound advice. But just to remind us why things like a Teen Vogue anal sex guide are even necessary, consider the Activist Mommy.

No, that’s not what asshole libertarians call the government (as far as I know). It’s just some Trump lover who likes to gets riled up on Facebook.

“I cannot believe what this Teen Vogue piece of trash has printed,” Activist Mommy declares in her aptly labeled viral video torching a copy. “We should not be teaching children how to have sex.”

Really, you want them to just guess? Because you might change your mind when Junior thinks he’s knocked up the vacuum cleaner.

(We were all 12 once.)

Note the underlying homophobia and transphobia in Activist Mommy’s glowering inferno. She hates the whole magazine, but clearly the anal is what stretched her to the breaking point.

(Yes, non-gay people have anal sex too, but try telling fundies that…)

It’s no news that fundamentalists hate sex, and consequently often hate themselves too. Fifteen years ago, alleged Vice President Mike Pence even declared that condoms are “too modern.”


teen vogue anal sex satan

Sodom and Gomorrah: The original Twin Cities.

The problem is, of course, that burning Teen Vogue doesn’t stop teenagers from having sex. Nuclear war probably won’t stop teenagers from having sex.

One member of the Satanic Temple’s San Jose chapter put it quite simply: “Your kids are having anal sex whether you like it or not.”

But I think early 90’s one-hit wonder LaTour said it best with his circa 1991 chart-topper “People Are Still Having Sex:”

“It’s a fact that people are still having sex. It’s rather obvious, it’s just what one expects. The evidence is all around that everyone in every town has had it one time or another. Perhaps it’s quite fashionable.”

In 1966, old Anton LaVey founded his Church of Satan here in San Francisco. Even though LaVey called hippie kids “psychedelic vermin,” in his own insecure, chauvinist way his antics said the same thing many hippies did: That you can’t pray or lecture human nature away.

This was so obvious that even the Church of Satan and the church of Timothy Leary couldn’t help but agree on it.

That being the case, I think it’s smart if we educate people about being people. Because I’m a Satanist, and I believe in certain tenets about education, science, individual liberty, and people’s bodies.

What I don’t believe is that burning the Teen Vogue anal sex spread (pardon the term) accomplishes much. 

I guess it might make Activist Mommies feel good. But if they read the magazine they might learn that, if you’re not careful, what feels good can still hurt you in the end.


teen vogue anal sex satan

“We’re safe, we’re sane, we’re consensual.”