Tomorrow, the United States will witness a total solar eclipse. And then, presumably, Father Ba’al will use that dark gateway in the sky to cast a spell of doomsday over this wretched earth…

Or not. Probably what will actually happen is just that the moon will obstruct 75 percent of the sun here in San Francisco and everyone will go on with their lives. Like every other eclipse.

Despite what conspiracy nuts on YouTube say, we’ve scheduled no sinister rituals or dark awakenings for Monday. We will consume no virgin’s blood. We will sacrifice zero goats. Babies conceived on this day will go unhexed. My Necronomicon remains in storage.

Beyond the eclipse itself, the only really amazing thing that will happen Monday is just that everyone will believe it. For once, every person in America will accept the validity of a scientific prediction. Praise Ba’al.


total solar eclipse satan

That’s actually terrible for a dog’s digestion. Like eating chocolate.

By the way, an editorial note: I had planned for this week’s blog to be about Charlottesville and alleged US President Donald Trump’s non-response to it. That being virtually the only thing worth writing about now.

But James Bulls already wrote a perfectly good blog about the Satanist argument against Nazism. And Satanic Temple co-founder Lucien Greaves wrote about the religious roots of white supremacy. And by and large they both said it all.

So instead, keep watching the skies…

The weird thing about the total solar eclipse is that nobody questions it. I mean, in America today, some people don’t even believe that the earth isn’t flat. Or that gravity exists. Or that the Earth orbits the sun and the moon is real.

Some people don’t believe we can determine the age of artifacts with radiometric dating. Or that the universe is more than 6,000 years old. Or that space travel and orbit is even possible.

But all of them believe that a total solar eclipse will happen on Monday, and at the appointed time too. They don’t believe in the scientific method we use to predict this. And it contradicts most of their own beliefs. But they still go for it.

In July, the Denver Post reported on its local flat earth society meeting. I still haven’t stopped laughing at this bit:

“‘How are we Flat Earthers supposed to explain to our friends the solar eclipse in August?’ asked one attendee. The room fell silent. ‘We’ll have to do more research and get back to you on that.’”



total solar eclipse satan

Admittedly, sometimes the Hubble Telescope spots some weird shit.

Meanwhile, radio preacher/intellectual whoopie cushion Bryan Fischer says the eclipse means “Satan, and those who serve as his accomplices, are bringing on us a dark night.” Stop, we’ll blush.

Over in the Inforwars comments, connoisseurs of high-grade batshit wonder if the Illuminati will destroy the eclipse via chemtrails:

“Wanna bet they’ll heavily spray the skies with aluminum, barium, strontium, and more so most will not see this celestial event[?]”

I won’t take that bet, but I might invest a lot in aluminum and strontium. Looks like a big upside one way or the other. But my favorite one is “Brother Berg,” a calculator-happy kook with a lot of time on his hands:

“The eclipse is 114 weeks after the Trump campaign began. From the death of James Brady on Obama’s birthday to the eclipse is 1,114 days. The eclipse is four years, 11 months 11 days after Benghazi. Trump was born 411 days after the death of Hitler.”

Does everyone else smell burning toast?

So it seems certain people will believe just about anything—except for empirical science.

But sometimes they have no choice. Like when the sun does go dark when it’s supposed to. Or the light bulb turns on when you flip the switch.  Or your plane stays in the air. (Although if it crashes, it does so in a predictable way. Your fiery death keeps with the principles of engineering, at least…)

I wish I knew how to translate that conditional acceptance into real, full-time acceptance for everyone. At the risk of a pompous analogy, in the Bible myth enlightenment is simple: Just eat the Forbidden Fruit and all becomes clear.

But what’s the low-hanging fruit these days?


total solar eclipse satan

“How can we get it to turn back on? Has anyone tried a hard reboot?”