Unless the “Nashville Statement” turns out to be a frank appraisal of the state of country music, I’m not interested.

But no, the Nashville Statement is an anti-gay manifesto drummed up by politically minded religious zealots. Including five people on alleged US President Donald Trump’s evangelical advisory board.

Yes, Trump has one of those. Consider: His boards on the arts and on business all resigned, but the preachers remain. Good thing that’s not a worrisome and pregnant representation of any troubling status quo…

Professional asshole James Dobson, anti-abortion nut James Robison, and three southern preachers on the Trump board stuck their names on the statement this week. So what does it say? Well, it’s not exactly breaking new ground, I’ll tell you that.


nashville statement san francisco satan

“Oh please, do go on. We’re hanging on your every word, I swear.”

The Nashville Statement, a 14-point homophobic circle jerk, comes to us in a steaming pile by way of the “Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.” Which must have held a very productive forum on the most obnoxious possible name for itself.

You can probably read it blindfolded and correctly guess most of the content. The first article says,”We affirm that god designed marriage to be a covenantal, procreative union of one man and one woman.”

Oh good, the suspense is over. I really wasn’t sure which way they’d break on that one.

“We affirm that it is sinful to approve of homosexual immorality or transgenderism,” reads Article 10.

They probably don’t mean for that to sound like an offer, but I’ll take them up on it anyway.

Occasionally they get something right by accident. “We did not make ourselves,” declares the preamble, which of course is true. My understanding is our parents made all of us. But many of these states have spotty sex ed, so the pastors might still be behind…

Nobody in America needed reminding that religious zealots still push a vicious anti-gay agenda in Washington DC.

The only people who thought that this abiding reality wasn’t clear enough are the ones who signed the Nashville Statement.

“We’re still here,” cry the fanatics. “We know,” says everyone else, weary. And then, to ourselves: “For how much longer, exactly?”

Well, I’ve got a statement of my own. You can call it a San Francisco Statement.


Nashville statement san francisco satan

Say what you want about religious fanatacism, it’s memorable.

It’s a work in progress, and nobody on any of this president’s boards would sign it. But I’m happy to have my name on it:

-We affirm that our best scientific understanding of the world cannot confirm or disprove the existence of any god. Until that’s settled, god’s alleged opinions aren’t a basis for policy.

-We affirm that civil bodies maintain the institution of marriage in America. If any god that exists has a problem with that, he can pipe up on his own.

-We affirm that consenting adults can have sex however they like, with any other consenting adults they like. Their genitals aren’t your business unless they’re pointing them your way.

-Speaking of which, we affirm that if you expect everyone else to call you “he” or “she” or anything else when asked that you should do the same for them. Because how the hell do you pretend to know any better?

-We admit that every person does have the right to claim they know what god, Allah, Shiva, Odin, or the devil himself wants. But none of the rest of us have to cater to that belief.

-We affirm that your religious beliefs have sway in your temples, in your holy books, and in your heart. But not in the courthouse, the statehouse, or anyone else’s bedroom.

-And we affirm that we know exactly what certain religious groups think about other people’s sex lives and gender identities. And that we’re a little tired of always hearing about it.

So say we all. Hail Satan, praise Ba’al, and a quick shout out to Mother Lilith, but really this isn’t about anybody’s gods one way or the other, that’s the whole point.


Nashville statement san francisco satan

Some gods are more permissive than others. Just imagine if we went around lobbying for them.