It’s another week in Bizarro America 2017, and now Breitbart readers are FREAKING. OUT about Missouri Planned Parenthood and the Satanic Temple.

Freakouts are what Breitbart readers do, of course. When they’re not stockpiling ammunition and peering at synagogues or mosques through binoculars, anyway.

But now the Breitbart bingers think Planned Parenthood is in league with the devil and sacrificing fetuses to Satan. When the only thing really being sacrificed here is these reader’s basic good sense.

And that’s a pretty sickly flock to begin with.


missouri planned parenthood satan

As usual, it all depends whose ox is gored…

Taking a break from such driving hard news as “Trump High Fives 11-Year Old,” the American propagandaministerium declared in a Wednesday blog that Satanists and Missouri Planned Parenthood are “a match made in hell.”

Breitbart non-editor Thomas Williams began with a fairly straightforward summary of abortion politics in the state: Planned Parenthood is suing over anti-abortion laws and so is TST.

This state of affairs is what we call normal in 2017. Arguably not much to see here.

But Williams, like a salmon swimming upstream, must return to his native Kooksville in the end, adding:

“Satanism has a millennial history of association with child sacrifice. Which makes the Temple’s support of abortion a natural activity. The Israelites struggled against Ba’al, who demanded child sacrifices and was associated with the devil.”

I can’t help but notice that the copy-editing goes to hell in these final ‘graphs too. Anyway, with that dogwhistle loud and clear, the mutts in the comment section set to barking and launched Satanic Panic 2.0 on the spot.

“Finally their mask comes off, showing us Satan’s minions,” reads a top rated comment.

Did I miss out on mask time? That’s going to make me very testy.

“Satanists and PP being allies says it all! PP are acolytes of Satan!” says another commenter.

I believe “Acolytes of Satan” was already a biker gang, so “Planned Parenthood” was the backup name.

A third chimes in, “Planned Parenthood in League With the Devil.’ Some headlines just write themselves.”

Believe me, nobody wishes that were true more than Breitbart. And nobody needs the help more.


missouri planned parenthood satan

“I mean, why do we even need headlines? The Bible doesn’t have them, and people love that.”

As Snopes notes, Williams’ error is that TST and Missouri Planned Parenthood aren’t working together at all. They’re just interested in the same things. If Jex Blackmore buys a latte, Breitbart will tell us Starbucks is in league with the devil too.

As readers of the alt-reich rag get ready for the streets to run red with Kool-Aid, their born-again blunders highlight a few abiding truths about anti-Satanists.

First, just like in March, nutters will always call you a Satanist whether you are or not. Not really being a Satanist never spares anyone the stigma of Satanism.

Second, anti-abortion laws are always a religious agenda, which incidentally is precisely what TST argues in court.

Perhaps most importantly, the fundies are allergic to the idea that women’s rights are really about women. They have to make it about themselves instead.

Why the lawsuits, they wonder? Well, it can’t be that women have a well-established constitutional right to abortion access as a medical treatment. Or an inherent, even religious mandate to govern their own bodies.

So it’s all got to be a conspiracy instead. It’s about Ba’al, and Moloch, and the Israelites somehow. Planned Parenthood is a secret anagram for “Horned Papal End Not.” The morning-after pill is pure tannis root. Every sperm is sacred, etc.

This safely frames the issue in terms of Christian privilege. The whole thing is really about Jesus after all, you see. Just like everything else. Which of course meant it’s really about them, since they’re so faithful.

It must be nice when the entire world just happens to revolve around you and your prejudices. Particularly since I’d wager a fair number of them don’t believe it revolves around anything else.


Missouri Planned Parenthood Satan

Geocentric Earth: The creamy nougat center of the universe.