September 23 has come and gone, which of course means you’re dealing with the shock of the recent worldwide Rapture. I recommend herbal tea with a dash of Jack Daniels.

Yes, we just had yet another Apocalypse scare/scam. You’ll be forgiven if you didn’t mark your calendars this time. It was the eighth one just in the last 18 months. And they’ve set another one for October.

Just like last year, the problem with these endless end times is that many of our fellow Americans WANT the world to end. They think of the end of the world as the entire point. Like how the point of making a sandwich is to soon have no sandwich again.

Me, I think of the world less like a sandwich and more like an orgasm. I acknowledge it won’t last forever, but I’m still partial to the idea.


september 23 apocalypse satan

“Honestly, these things were too damn heavy to wear all the time anyway.”


YouTube nut David Meade is behind the September 23 flap. He picked the date because it’s 33 days after the full solar eclipse back in August. He’s big on 33.

“It’s a very Biblically significant, numerologically significant number,” Meade told the Washington Post. “I’m talking astronomy. I’m talking the Bible. And merging the two.”

Actually, Meade isn’t quite predicting the end of the world. What IS he predicting? “A sign,” according to the fundie site Unsealed.

I guess that’s one way to solve the problem of your prophecies petering out. Just prophecy the most vague and indeterminate thing possible.

I’ve got a prophecy that I’ll be finishing this wine bottle off by the time the sun comes up. Did it come true? Well, that depends; how much faith do you have?

Back in 2011 (another big year for the end of the world), University of Montreal Professor Lorenzo DiTommaso tried to explain the appeal of apocalypse antics.

“Apocalypticism explains time, space, and human existence,” DiTommaso said. “It’s not science, it’s not universal or repeatable. But it does explain things.”

The professor and I evidently have different values of words like “explain.”

In 2012 (remember that one?) neuroscientist Shmuel Lissek told Scientific American, “Apocalyptic beliefs make existential threats—the fear of our mortality—predictable.”

After all, the Bible tells readers “no one knows the day or the hour.” But that’s really annoying, so why not just throw out a day and an hour and let’s see if it sticks?


september 23 apocalypse satan

When you’re sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’ve got the best horse on the carousel.


Pew Research found that 40 percent of Americans think it’ll happen by 2050. Even if it doesn’t pan out, it’s handy to have a deadline.

Unsealed’s editor actually gave the game away last year, writing “The world has reached a climactic moment with no obvious way out except by divine providence.  Global debt and liabilities that can never be paid back, interest rates that cannot go any higher, nuclear disasters,” etc.

By golly, it’s got to be the End Times soon because we can’t think of anything else!

I’ll say it again: It’s not a good thing that so many Americans like the idea of the world ending. Particularly not when they have total political control of the country.

I mean, if your doctor talked for hours about how much she loves cancer, you’d probably start seeing someone else. Also, stop agreeing to so many x-rays.

Satanism scares a lot of people, but I don’t see why. A pentagram is just geometry. The Baphomet is just outsider art. A sinister black hooded robe is just a Halloween costume.

What scares me is when people like crackpot writer Michael Fortner declare that Jesus will return as soon as nuclear war breaks out.

“Christ will destroy the goat nations with fire from the second sun” the inaptly named Charisma News reported of Fortner’s book last year. Whatever floats your goat, Mike…

These predictions don’t scare me because I think they’re true. They scare me because anyone else thinks they’re true.

September 23 is over. The next September 23 is right around the corner. America’s prophet margin is running high. But I wish they’d stop incentivizing the deaths of billions of people. I’m just weird like that I guess.


september 23 apocalypse satan

Now if you’ll excuse me, the dog needs a walk.