On Friday, a Jeff Sessions memo ordered the federal government to find god. And then to go ahead and find everyone’s basic rights too, but only if there’s time.

You may remember that back in May alleged US President Donald Trump made a big show of signing a piece of paper declaring “religious freedom.” (But probably just for the churches that backed his campaign.)

It wasn’t much of an effort. Even the National Review called it “worse than useless.” A phrase so emblematic of the Trump regime that it might soon replace e pluribus unum.

Now Jeff Sessions—who looks like a finicky goblin Donald Trump freed from a magic bottlewants to put some meat on its bones. Even if getting that meat means butchering our other rights.


sessions memo religious liberty satan

“You won’t feel a thing. Pinky swear.”

Of the Sessions session, Politico says:

Sessions issued a 25-page memo that urges sweeping protection for religious freedom and could impact health care, LGBT rights and even disaster relief.

For example, if companies want to opt out of birth control mandates for religious reasons, the Sessions memo says they can.

Personally, I don’t recognize the authority of a man who tries to lynch his own lawn jockey whenever he gets bored to dictate policy on medical care. But I’m also not the CEO of Hobby Lobby. Intentionally.

Sessions also hints that your boss can fire you if your “beliefs and conduct” aren’t kosher with “the employers’ religious precepts.”

So Mike Pence can probably get rid of Jeff Sessions if Lil Sesh doesn’t venerate the glorious blood rituals of Voblorak the Child Eater. For example.

As the Atlantic reads it, Sessions’ shitshow “prioritizes claims of religious-liberty violations over every other concern, including protections for gay, lesbian, and transgender Americans.”

Or as Sessions doubtless refers to them, “Those people.”

Note that neither Sessions nor Trump have created or changed any laws. The memo just tells Trump regime lawyers how to apply the law. Or not apply it, as the case seems to be.

And why? Because according to Sessions, “Except in the narrowest of circumstances, no one should be forced to choose between living out his or her faith and complying with the law.”

Religious freedom is just too important, says the memo. Again recalling VP Pence’s impassioned dedication to Voblorak and his bloody Organ Pit rites.


sessions memo religious liberty satan

Give me that old time religion.

Now, it’s true Americans love their religion. And as Satanists, the right to whatever rites you choose matters no less to us. And yet, I have to wonder about the priorities at work here.

What legal issues worry most Americans in 2017? Perhaps things like, “Will a cop murder me at a traffic stop?” “If my boss feels me up, who will believe me?” “Does Jeff Sessions want to make my marriage illegal?

But what do the people covered in the Sessions memo worry about? “Will I have to pay for a lady’s sexy time pills?” “What if some people ask me to bake a cake?” “Can I fire this fucking queer or not?” etc.

Most of all, I wonder why these questions even come up. In an upcoming episode of Black Mass Appeal, a friend asked why America always prioritizes someone else’s religious rights over her rights as a lesbian.

Religion matters, sure. But so does being in love. Marrying. Starting a family. Holding a job. And lots of other things that Jeff Sessions wants to make subordinate to alleged religious freedom.

This one right seems to, pardon the term, trump all others. By way of explanation, the Sessions memo quotes your third least favorite Hamilton character James Madison, who wrote in 1785:

“It is the duty of every man to render to the Creator homage. This duty is precedent to the claims of Civil Society. Before any man can be considered as a member of Civil Society, he must be a subject of the Governor of the Universe.”

That’s not what the law says, of course. And Madison, another smartass deist, probably didn’t even mean what Sessions thinks he meant.

But that doesn’t stop a lot of people from reading it that way. You might have the same rights they do, they admit. But their god is just plain more important than you are.


sessions memo religious liberty satan

“What can I say? I’ve got great lobbyists.”