“A CALL FOR AN UPRISING” FLIPS SHIT ABOUT “SATANIC” INVERTED CHRISTMAS TREES

“A Call For An Uprising” says it’s the End Times because we’ve turned Christmas trees upside down. I would have faulted “Fuller House” myself, but I guess everyone picks their own last straw.

I know what you’re asking: What the fuck is “A Call For An Uprising?” Well, previously it was the YouTube channel of raving Anti-Satanist conspiracy asshole Jamie Bocchino.

YouTube shut him down but he’s still at it, using another channel to explain how Magic 8-Balls are “a gateway into the occult.”

Unable to hide his raging envy boner of Alex Jones, Bocchino pushes three or four videos daily in which he reads a news story and then insists the Satanic Illuminati Agenda is putting chemtrails in our coffee, or whatever.

He’s a self-loathing homophobe and obsessive transphobe, and for a man who earns his living screaming at a laptop he spends an awful lot of time preoccupied with what’s “normal.”

Guess something’s got his goat.

And now he’s taking a stand about inverted Christmas trees. Whoa, careful Ace, don’t want to cut yourself on all of that edginess.

It’s true, there is an inverted Christmas tree fad now. In fact it might have started at San Francisco’s Westfield mall last year.

“It’s been an upside down kind of year, so let’s mix it up,” Laura Beck writes in Cosmopolitan.  Copy she clearly stole from my Tinder profile, for the record.

Decor blogger Barbara Rolek writes that the the dangling bits tree design began as a Christian tradition centuries ago. As a religion founded on the practice of hanging something off of a tree trunk, this is to be expected.

But according to Bocchino’s video, “That’s how Satanists operate, they do things upside down.” Could be he’s confusing Satanists and bats again. I do that all the time, then don’t understand why my echolocation isn’t working.

If you need further evidence that this is all a Satanic plot, A Call For An Uprising has the exclusive: “If you’ve seen Stranger Things, they talk about the Upside Down,” says Bocchino. “Now we’re seeing the upside down tree.”

By golly, I’m convinced. Open and shut case, really.

Cosmo’s Laura Beck is “in some type of coven,” Bocchino declares. And now that we’ve flipped Christmas he’s ready to call it: “This is the End Times.” This guy ever wants to come to the Bay Area I’ll be happy to flip him something else.

It all goes to prove how “Everything we once thought was normal will be weird” he says. And “perversions will become normal.”

“I mean, the work order says to do it this way, but I dunno, seems strange.”

Praise Ba’al, he’s right. I’ll put conditioner in my hair before shampoo today. And instead of putting syrup on my waffles, I put it on the waffle iron. Why? Because IF THERE IS NO GOD THEN NO ONE CAN STOP ME!

Well, I’ll break a longstanding rule and do Jamie Bocchino a favor here. Because the fact of the matter is, he’s right. In the future, things will change. That’s why we call it the fucking future.

Couple weeks ago I went to San Jose to see the local Satanic Temple chapter’s Satanic Christmas tree in the park. If Bocchino ever gets a load of this thing he’ll fap so hard it leads to tennis elbow, so keep it to yourself.

I also saw the play Miss Bennet at a theater a few blocks away, in which Victorian couples at a Christmas party all ask why there’s a tree in the room.

Christmas trees weren’t usual in England at the time, you see. Hauling an evergreen rightside up into your house in December was an eccentric sight.

Imagine a latter-day Call For an Uprising standing on a corner in Picadilly Circus and screaming, “They’re bringing the outside into the inside now! Everything is inverted! Women will soon wear trousers! And they’ll vote!”

It’s an easy prophecy to just say that things will change. Things are always changing. Even the things that bumpkins and bigots like Bocchino take for granted now are the product of previous change.

Some Satanists, too, seem to be stuck in the past. But, lucky break for one and all, time marches on. With or without you.

“Don’t rock the boat, baby, don’t tip the boat over.”