First Harvey Weinstein, then Louis CK and Al Franken, and soon “Satanic Warlock” Robert Johnson got so worked up about sex scandals that he spoke in tongues and had a stroke on Facebook.

Okay, that’s an antagonistic simplification, that’s not quite what he did. SEO (the blackest of magics) just demands a punchy opening sentence. I’m only human.

Still, Johnsonallegedly a prominent Satanistreally has gotten himself worked up about sexual harassment lately. Not about the crime itself though. That wouldn’t be punchy either, you see.

Instead he frets about the effect of current events on “sex magick.” Because by Ba’al, somebody’s got to stick up for the real victims here, right?

For fuck’s sake…


satanic warlock johnson harassment

“All I’m saying is we must remember #NotAllWarlocks.”

Johnson—an unfortunate name in this context—wrote a Church of Satan-recommended 2016 book called The Satanic Warlock. This tome claims to teach Satanists “the devilish art of seduction” and “sex magick [sic] principles and applications.”

Since I haven’t read it, I can’t comment. Johnson bills himself a doctor with a degree in human sexuality, but his doctorate comes from the unaccredited Institute For Human Sexuality here in San Francisco. Not having attended, I can’t comment on that either.

But I can comment on his recent Facebook freakout RE: the ongoing circus train of sexual fuck ups with public figures.“Witches and Warlocks beware!” Johnson bellows. “The Warlock Hunt of sexual harassment can strip you of your powers.” Oh noes.

What’s the damage? Well, in Johnson’s estimation what we have in 2017 is a “frenzy” that “has opened the floodgates for radical feminazi harpies.”

Most harpies only have seven Hit Dice, so a powerful Warlock ought to be able to take them. Maybe Johnson’s got a weak Will Save?

If not stopped, Johnson warns that “social media outrage” like the #MeToo hashtag will “extinguish traditional masculine behavior.” I don’t even feel safe peeing upright anymore, myself.

“Where is the line nowadays?” he moans. And beware, he adds, because “chivalry has been dying” and “gestures of love today are considered weakness.”

Just last week I bought a single red rose, and then some feminists jumped me in an alley. I repelled them with chivalric Sex Magick, but they can smell my fear.

Worst of all, if something isn’t done then “respectful Warlocks” will be “utterly neutered,” and “sensual magic forever lost.”

Note that Johnson’s first published draft also referred to women who “slept their way to the top” and frothed about “little boys acting like girls.” He subsequently edited that material out. How PC of him!


satanic warlock johnson harassment

“For the time being, we will eviscerate this snake instead of Robert Johnson’s cock. For the time being.”

I guess these are the really important stakes in all this? Not the abuses inflicted by the wealthy and powerful, but mostly just Robert’s johnson. Sigh.

One witless warlock’s latent libido notwithstanding, certain Satanists do seem chronically uncomfortable being impaneled in the court of public opinion.

On Facebook, some Satanic Temple members fretted last week how to distinguish real allegations from Satanic Panic hysteria. To which I say: Really? We’re doing this? Come on.

The thing about hysteria: It’s hysterical. For the Satanic Panic we fielded absurd stories about cult networks, magical brainwashing, mass graves that nobody could find, etc.

How does this compare to the allegation that Louis CK likes to ambush women with his dick? Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence, but this is not extraordinary. It’s painfully plausible.

“But what if they accuse the wrong person?” I hear. (Johnson chimes in on this too, because just try and shut him up.) And, yeah, that’s a hell of a problem.

But so too is the plight of the just allegation that goes ignored. So if we close our ears to accusation, we don’t spare ourselves a dilemma. Instead we just opt for the dilemma that disadvantages victims. (Who are almost always women, of course.)

Now why does this seem to make us so much less uncomfortable?

“Satan” means “accuser.” And we only need to look as far as ostensible US President Trump and incoming Senator Roy “Hands On” Moore to conclude that American society could do not with less accusation, but with more.

Which is to say, more Satanism.


satanic warlock johnson harassment

“Now eat dirt, Johnson. Eat it and like it.”