SATANIC ILLUMINATI DOUBLE AGENT BILLY GRAHAM DIES AT 99 (AND OTHER NEWS)

Fundy superstar Billy Graham died this week, and Satanic New World Order agents are beside ourselves with grief. Or so the Internet tells me

Yes, the echo of Graham’s final homophobic slur didn’t even have time to fade before conspiracy assholes ran to keyboards and declared that Graham had been “a Satanist” all along.

This despite the fact that Billy Graham worked for 70 years to give America a Jesus enema. Short of rising again in three days, there’s not much more the guy could do to play to the Bible belt.

But that’s what believing in devils does to you: Sooner or later, anyone who isn’t you starts to look like the devil–or his keeper.

“Jesus fucking Christ I hope none of these people noticed my fly down.”

“He preached to hundreds of millions of people around the world,” the BBC wrote of the now-toasted Graham hours after his death. “Graham reached millions through TV, the first to convey the Christian message on such a scale.”

The Yule Log reaches millions through TV too, of course, and I’d much rather watch that.

Graham’s legacy gets kid glove treatment because of his polite public persona and the fact that he managed not to be a racist in the ’60s. But his dedicated decades of homophobia don’t wash with me.

He was a rampant anti-Semite too. During the Nixon years, Tricky Dick got Graham on tape complaining about evil Jews right there in the Oval Office. Caught out decades later, he claimed he “could not recall saying these things.” I’ll bet.

So I say fuck Billy Graham and the discourse he rode in on. But when I look at what conspiracy assholes are saying about him, even I pause.

“He sold out to the Satanic forces,” oddly euphoric YouTube douche Sonny Cardona said after Graham’s death. “Anybody seen in front of the TV is part of the Illuminati agenda.”

Really, anybody? Imagine Mr T as an Illuminati agent. Why hasn’t anyone made THAT show?

A nonsensical “Illuminati confession” making the rounds claims, “I personally saw Billy Graham in Moscow one winter dressed entirely in Satanic attire.”

What is “Satanic attire,” do you think? Whatever it is it had better be pretty fucking warm for Moscow, I guess.

On the other hand, Infowars, the electronic airbase from which America’s delusions take wing, ran a sedate Fox News obit of Graham. But the comment section brimmed with paranoia anyway.

My favorite is this guy who reads like a malfunctioning Twitter bot:

This is weird. But what you’re about to read next is weirder.

“MK Ultra mind-controlled slave of the synagogue of Satan. Graham funded by the Rockefeller demons had no qualms with Satanist G.H.W. Bush and the Lincoln Nebraska boy’s town pedophiles! Swaggart, Schuller, Jim and Tammy, Paul and Jan Crouch all doing the devil’s work to sway people from Christ! Disgusting hypocrites if the 33rd degree also would never expose evil Satanist pedophiles Hillary’s emails!”

Anyone playing Batshit Bingo just hit every square.

As a public figure, it’s natural that some people didn’t like Billy Graham. Example: me. But it’s not enough for Anti-Satanists to just dislike him or disagree with his religious opinions. They have to turn him into Satan himself.

It seems that in their minds, no middle ground between these points even exists. And that kind of extremism indicates social strain. “Stories of Satan proliferate in troubled times, especially within radical groups” Yale Professor Elaine Pagels writes in The Origin of Satan.

People who are frightened of Satanists may call us extremists, but I see Anti-Satanists holding the truly extreme positions. Satanism, by contrast, depends on the kind of nuance that fundies can’t muster.

Billy Graham was a bigot and a fool. But I can’t call him pure evil; that would just undermine the severity of his real misdeeds, as if they’re not enough to condemn on their own.

We have to be smart enough to take the world on as it really is. Deferring to zeal and wrath is fun, but you can end up fighting against phantoms you’ve created yourself, just like the conspiracy kooks sticking it to “Satanist” Billy Graham.

And of course, Graham himself helped create the toxic evangelical culture now picking his bones.  What kind of flaming shit show those people will in turn create for future generations Ba’al only knows.

“I know how this looks, but most of the time I’m a very reasonable and compromising kind of guy.”