Last Valentine’s Day, a 19-year-old Florida man took a rifle to a high school in Parkland and killed 17 people. This is not an article of faith, this actually happened.

Of course, certain people—assholes, as I call them—insist that it’s all a con, that the kids never existed, that the survivors are actors, etc.

Meanwhile, people who don’t believe in Parkland do believe in things like Satan, the Illuminati, End Times, flat Earth, etc. These impossible notions are easy to swallow, but not that David Hogg is a real person.

We’re used to faith making imaginary things seem real—the devil, for example. But people can also use faith to try and erase real things; even murder. Problem is, the murder still happened even after you stop believing it.


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Of course, sometimes you really can argue up is down and black is white…

By the way, I realize I’m writing about conspiracy assholes almost every week now. I don’t want that to be the sole focus of this blog, but bad shit keeps happening. So here we are again.

The San Jose Mercury News reports that it only took 47 minutes after the shooting for Parkland conspiracies to crop up online. “Start looking for [Jewish] numerology and crisis actors, the 8fucks at 8chan wrote, and so it began.

Remember, 8chan is the site where people believe that the DNC are “Satan worshipers who sacrifice children to the ancient god Moloch.” So they’re highly susceptible to suggestion. Just not about anything that really happened.

Of course Alex Jones, America’s intellectual athlete’s foot, is the root of this. Because if anyone else ever pioneers a hurtful wrong idea Jones will probably push them down the stairs in a jealous rage, Showgirls style.

Said Jones, “People want the truth about crisis actors,” and “We know the Democratic Party has hired them before to go stir up trouble,” and “They’re clearly coached.” A series of sentences that only washes if he knows what zero percent of those words mean.

Jones, remember, believes that world leaders take orders from “the devil, the Fallen One that’s not of this world, which gives them advanced technology.”

So to view: Satanic Illuminati, credible proposal; teenage gun activists, too fishy to brook.

YouTube, briefly and suddenly aware that functional psychopaths have turned its site into a mass group hallucination for recruiting purposes, penalized Jones’ channel last week.

They also shut down a handful of the other worst channels, like mumbling Anti-Satanist muttonhead “Richie From Boston,” a man who believes that witches stole the sun but not that the Sandy Hook shooting happened.


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Say, how many angels CAN dance on the head of a pin?

But the site has since walked back Richie’s suspension and many others. Because why wouldn’t you want that kind of content on your service, right?

In 2015, Mail On Sunday writer Don Hodges said on Twitter, “In retrospect, Sandy Hook marked the end of the US gun control debate.”

Hodges refers to the lack of  reform after that shooting. But the real nadir was not the lack of action but the “Truthers,” who still insist that the attack and the victims were not real.

“Families of these murdered children are still being harassed,” Data & Society researcher Joan Donovan told the Mercury News. “For years to come, students in Parkland are going to suffer this same fate.”

And that’s because millions of people believe in monsters and magic but not the simple, reported facts of real crimes.

As I’ve said before, conspiracy theories function very much like religious cults. Conspiracies act as articles of faith. And once something becomes a faith issue, it’s almost invincible. In a 1998 Cambridge speech, Hitchhiker’s Guide To the Galaxy author Douglas Adams observed:

“If somebody thinks taxes should go up or down you are free to have an argument. But if somebody says ‘I mustn’t move a light switch on a Saturday‘, you say, ‘I respect that.'”

As Satanists, we preach the heretical idea that beliefs should conform to sound science and reasonable skepticism. Satan and god are not real, but David Hogg is. It’s not faith when I say that, but it is religion.

It’s impolite to question people’s faith because it’s important to them. But conspiracy asshole’s garbage beliefs are important to them too. At some point, we must demand that belief and reality converge.

Before we too die and then become “a hoax.”


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Faith cometh before the fall?