You’d think news of baby jails, “tender age” camps, and family separation agendas would hit “Pizzagate” assholes and #QAnon crackpots like a bolt out of the blue.

After all, these limpid loons are always on about fiendish “elites” kidnapping kids. Hidden prisons with short-pants uniforms dance like sugarplums in their heads at night. Other than remaking The Last Jedi (totally a hill worth dying on, of course), it’s all they talk about.

And hey, now it’s actually true…sort of. None of that shit about John Podesta’s emails, “Moloch worship,” cannibalism, or black magic performance art shook out. No “trafficking rings” under DC bowling alleys either. Rather than pizza, the payoff for 4fucks at 4chan has been a big fat bagel.

But turns out the government really had prisons full of abducted kids. And as promised, fiendish agents have been snatching them from poor and vulnerable families, sometimes never to return.

And yet, after decades of Anti-Satanist bleating about “the children,” none of them really seem to care.


baby jails pizzagate satan

“Yeah, he was down among the reeds. Well, let’s get this little border jumper to an immigration checkpoint.”

At last count the feds babysnatched some 2,300 kids, in what White House Chief of Staff/Glaringly Apparent Blackmail Victim John Kelly called “a tough deterrent” on attempted border crossing.

CNN adds, “it’s not clear when or if children taken from their parents will be reunited.” Sometimes Homeland Security just loses track of hundreds of these kids. Others (only months old in some cases) end up in “tender age facilities,” which I’m pretty sure is a term fairy tale witches use for the cages where they fatten up kids.

Previously, I assumed that the tiresomely tireless conspiracy fucks behind greatest hits (to our national dignity) like “Pizzagate” and “The Storm” would jump for their equivalent of joy at this.

After all, they’ve been hallucinating “global child trafficking networks” for years. It shouldn’t take a rocket scientist (or a Flat Earther engineer) to turn actual baby jails into grist for that mill.

And yet, America’s cracked Cassandras seem curiously disinterested in children’s real peril.

Take the incomprehensible 8chan board where rubes catapult questions at faux resistance non-leader #QAnon. Given the news cycle, you’d think immigration would come up the last few days.

Well, one contributor to this psychological drop cloth insisted this week that the border crisis is another “false flag” ruse designed to “paint America as an inhumane shithole.” 

A second asks Q, “When are the tunnels from Mexico that carry sewage to US going to be destroyed?” I flipped a coin on whether this was racist rhetoric for immigrants or if they think actual sewage comes in. It landed on its side.

And, amazingly, those are the only  potential references to the immigration flap in the entire thread.


Everyone else is just asking about “pineal gland alchemy,” “Satanic geo-engineering,” and “Who really controls Australia?”

(The answer to that last one is of course the wallabies, for the record. And possibly the Wallabies.)

Meanwhile, over on the biggest #QAnon subreddit, one sleep-deprived speculator insists today, “By taking these kids away, Trump is doing the most humane thing possible.”

Another contends that Melania’s jacket was a secret code revealing that Zara are secret Satanist kidnappers. And the rest of them are busy with more pressing issues. Like, “How the elite install presidents via astrology,” and “War with Mexico is certain!”  About the real crisis they seem barely cognizant.

In short, despite all of the past garment rending about the welfare of kids, conspiracy assholes feel that actual child snatching and baby jails are either A) somehow a good thing now or B) less important than the secret meanings of Trump’s Twitter typos. (They spend days on that shit, btw.)

I suppose this is to be expected. After all, if conspiracy assholes cared about real issues, they wouldn’t have to be conspiracy assholes.

Still, it’s interesting how predictable these “red-pilled” would-be freethinkers are relative to everyone else. As the Satanist blog the Devil’s Fane recently observed, moral panics about kids (from Salem to Satanic Panic to “Pizzagate”) seem to be a universal human impulse. But ONLY when it happens to compliment people’s other agendas.

And these faux-freakouts tend to chart with both religious manias and political extremism. Just like with the abortion kabuki and gun mess, hypothetical kids remain a reliable cause celebre.

So long as they remain hypothetical.


baby jails pizzagate satan

“I love children. Ask anyone.”