Fox News host and ambulatory combover Todd Starnes nattered about “the pagan god Moloch” and the ye old ritual human sacrifice schtick on Monday, and the only ones surprised by this were Fox News.

For the record, I wasn’t planning on writing about this. Originally I was going to talk about our latest episode of Black Mass Appeal and Satanic sobriety and the Satanic concept of the self. That’ll probably be much more valuable content in the long run.

But when “Moloch” starts trending on Twitter that’s as close to an actual Bat Signal as I’m ever going to get, and far be it for me to look a gift bull in the mouth.

So strap in tight as we take another detour to crazytown. Which is not as much fun as Funkytown, and also not as funky as Crazy Town.


fox news moloch starnes

Not sure which town this is, but they know their bones.


If you’ve never heard of Todd Starnes before, he’s the author of the 2009 book They Popped My Hood and Found Gravy On the Dipstick. That’s not a joke, that’s the real title. He also blames school shootings on Satan. That’s not a joke either, chiefly because it’s not at all funny.

Until very very very very recently Starnes had a Fox News radio show, which until very very very very recently featured Rob Jeffress as a guest.

And If you’ve never heard of Rob Jeffress, he’s a Baptist preacher who thinks Catholics are Satanists. Which is most of all offensive for giving me something in common with Catholics, in that we both hate Rob Jeffress. He’s also on the White House’s Evangelical Advisory Board, which for some reason is a thing that exists.

On Monday, Starnes and Jeffress were yucking it up on the radio about their common interest in marrying their sisters in law and converting modern currency into talents of silver. …or whatever, I don’t listen to evangelical radio, I have no idea what they talk about.

Then Jeffress succumbed to his compulsions and said of Democrats, “the god they worship is the pagan god of the Old Testament Moloch, who allowed for child sacrifice.”

Starnes did not actually agree with this statement in so many words. But neither did he question how long his guest had stared directly into the sun that morning, and since that’s pretty much the only normal thing to say at that juncture Fox decided to fire him.

I know what you’re thinking, and yeah, I didn’t know you could actually get fired from Fox News either.

(Starnes also once got fired from Baptist Press for inventing quotes and claiming the Secretary of Education said them, which I assume is how he subsequently got the Fox job.)

Also surprised: Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who pointed out that people saying conspiratorial religious bullshit is the only commodity Fox News really has, so why was this supposedly bad?

“How was he supposed to know this was below their standards?” she quipped on Twitter. She’s probably just kicking Starnes’ soft, pale underbelly while it happens to be showing, but the truth is this is a very good question.

If you ask me, the firing makes Fox News look incredibly out of touch. Talk about shadowy baby-eating cults and devilish pagan gods is EXTREMELY common with the absolute freaks who make up their audience.

If they don’t realize this, you’ve got to wonder what the “news” part of Fox News even does.


Fox News Moloch Starnes

The awkward thing is Moloch won’t open up unless you make the airplane noise.


Over on 8chan, #Qanon quacks used to burn up the bytes all night with talk of elite Satan worshippers [sic] who sacrifice children to Moloch.”

As a non-elite Satan worshiper I guess I wouldn’t know. The biggest sacrifice I’ve made this month is eating a single Impossible Burger to combat climate change and also to prove that it is paradoxically possible.

Dailywire editor Josh Hammer beat Jeffress and Starnes to this verbatim Moloch malarky by nearly a month. (Note that being an editor for the Dailywire is like being HR director for Thanos.) But Hammer was just citing the impossibly named Erick Erickson’s identical comments, while LifeSite was saying it on the exact same day as Starnes’ broadcast.

In 2013, serial blackboard abuser Glenn Beck wrote a fever-ridden novel about “a shadow war waged by an elite cabal of tyrants” led by a “trillionaire” George Soros stand-in against gun-and-freedom-and-gun-loving patriots. His title: The Eye of Moloch.

Pushing this hustle to the masses, Beck declared, “Soon this will be a history book, and then it won’t be so enjoyable.” Threaten me with a good time why dontcha.

In 2014, the apologetics site CARM wrote of supposed Moloch worship, “I can’t help but compare today’s abortion massacre to the sacrifice of children by these ancient pagans.”

Why, did women have to drive across three states to see Moloch too?

The Wanderer, a Catholic newspaper (don’t tell Jeffress, he’s having a rough week already) calls Democrats “the Party of Moloch,” which at least sounds like a hell of a rave.

Charisma News, the pity fuck of Christian blogs, says the same thing. So does the US Pastor Council. Bill Mitchell, the conspiracy asshole who looks like a deep fake of Benedict Cumberbatch with David Lynch’s hair, regularly raves on Twitter that “Democrats worship Moloch.”

And Catholic anti-abortion group Human Life International was flogging this pony as far back as 2007, which in Trump years was roughly the 17th century ago.

I could fill this page with links to the same hallucinatory allegations and it would never end. Because there’s never any shortage of material for people who just make this shit up all day. If the execs at Fox News are not broiling in the juices of baby-eating religious conspiracies 19 hours a day, they’re going to very shortly become the only ones.

Of course, you know who will already tell you that there’s no Satanic child sacrifice conspiracy in America: Satanists.

But although we’re the first people who would know, we’re the last ones anybody wants to ask.


Fox News moloch starnes

What’s that smell? Veal?