CHICK-FIL-A BEDEVILS FUNDY ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT SATAN

It’s hard to believe I have to say this, but Satan doesn’t care about Chick-Fil-A.

Neither, I suspect, does god. In fact, if he’s got any chicken-related dilemma to attend to, it should be establishing once and for all that the egg came first.

I guess chicken sandwiches are not quite the dumbest proxy in America’s religious culture wars. That distinction still belongs to “Straight Pride parades”–the very definition of a march to nowhere.

But today’s announcement that the six-day Southern Baptist company’s homophobic politics are flying the coop have called down a lot of hellfire and brimstone anyway. Assuming that’s not part of the recipe to begin with?

“We flame broil our sinners to seal in the juices.”

According to Chick-Fil-A’s oddly confrontational propaganda page, Truett Cathy founded the chain in 1946. I’ve often wondered how anyone could come up with a name as stupid as “Chick-Fil-A,” but I guess when your name is “Truett” you’ve got a head start.

Apparently they’ve since spread to 47 states, not unlike West Nile Virus. Ba’al as my witness, I’d never heard of these people or their preachy poultry until 2012, when silver spoon COO Dan Cathy clucked off saying that same-sex marriage was “inviting god’s judgment on our nation.”

I don’t think a guy who mixes beet juice with corn syrup and calls it “Polynesian sauce” has any right to look down on other people’s lifestyle choices myself.

LGBTQ rights group Equality Matters reported that year that the company funnels millions of dollars into anti-gay hate groups, including conversion therapy rackets that torture queer kids.

The company defended itself by pointing out that it also gives charitably to groups that fight problems like homelessness. Not sure acknowledging that you rank being homeless and being gay under the same umbrella is a solid defense, but at least when queer kids get kicked out of the house the Cathys will throw some sandwiches at them.

So as far as southern-based family culinary endeavors go, this is neck and neck with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre for poor decision-making. And just like that other franchise, you’ve got to wonder how much longer it can go on.

Today, Chick-Fil-A announced that it will stop funding the last anti-gay hate groups suckling at its teet. “Moving forward, the Chick-fil-A Foundation will support the initiatives of homelessness, hunger and education.” That’s a pretty mellow way of putting the chickens to roost, so lucky other fundy weirdos were around to FREAK. OUT about it.

Anti-Satanist Arkansas politician/comedic stock character Jason Rapert complained that Chick-Fil-A was “bowing to the false god of homosexuality.” Which pretty much has to be a Freudian oral sex fantasy, because there are zero other ways to interpret that phrase.

“Each of you will have to decide if you are standing with Satan or almighty god,” wired-up DailyWrite readers declared. I thought I just had to decided between waffle fries or regular, now this is going to take a whole lot more time.

“Satan and his tools have made many inroads in to god’s blessed country,” whined another one. Which sounds like what a midwest dirt farmer’s teenage daughter would say to confess that she lost her virginity.

“They are just like the rest of the money-hungry businesses who follow Satan right into Hell,” anti-abortion obsessives at Life Site News write. Weird review of Disney+ but okay.

“And now to check in with our shareholders.”

One particularly hysterical tweet reads, “Chick-Fil-A has bowed down to Satan. My heart is broken.” Which, geez, come on, they’re just sandwiches.

While another solemnly observed, “Satan’s demons preparing Earth for his return.” Indeed, the chicken joints were the last of the seven seals, as recorded in Sanders 18:2.

Even apocalypse huckster Mike Huckabee got in on the act, complaining that “Chick-Fil-A betrayed loyal customers for money.” He did not dramatically hurl 30 pieces of silver onto the counter of his local franchise, which in fundy culture qualifies as restraint.

Odd thing about that last one is that Huckabee also takes credit for sending “millions” of customers to the chain in 2012. But apparently now the money motivation is to side with Satan?

Nearly three years ago we observed that the theology of rainfall is very elastic: sometimes god blesses the rains down in Africa, but sometimes a storm is the work of the devil. It all depends on your priorities.

Same thing with money, it seems. Just a few months ago when fundy types were happy with the chain, they marveled that “god continues to bless Chick-Fil-A” with extra crispy dividends. (Again, people are reading A LOT into the fortunes of this one fucking chicken company…)

But as soon as the chicken crosses the road, suddenly filthy money is the wage of sin. Money is god’s blessing–except when it’s Satan’s bounty. The love of money is the root of all evil–unless that money is rooted with people you like.

As we learned our Bible-study episodes of Black Mass Appeal, Satan is not a well-defined character in scripture. And it turns out he’s not a well-defined figure in culture either. People employ the devil pretty much anyway they like, like an Allen key.

And I actually think that’s fine. I mean, in the case of the Chick-Fil-A thing it’s pretty stupid, but that’s a stupid topic anyway, and you know what they say about birds of a feather.

But for the most part I find it entirely understandable if mainstream religions employ sometimes inconsistent definitions of doctrinal concepts. Because life is complicated.

But they don’t have exclusive rights in that regard. As Satanists, we too reserve the privilege to define, redefine, and redeploy the image, aesthetic, and history of the Satan myth to suit our purposes.

If it’s good for the goose, then it’s good for–well, I guess they don’t really serve goose at this establishment. But a lot of the customers seem to be eating crow lately.

“The pickle juice gives it a real zing.”