For most people, the Super Bowl halftime show means an extra long pee break–or a cover to listen to pop music acts you secretly enjoy but must maintain a pose of disinterest in lest society send you into the desert for the sins of the tribe.

For me it means that one of the busiest, stupidest weeks in the United Conspiracies of America is about to begin, because conspiracy assholes love the Super Bowl halftime show.

Which is to say, they hate the Super Bowl halftime show–but they watch it frame by frame many times over to distinguish the secret black magic Illuminati workings of each performance. As you do.

Take conspiracist Cory Daniel, who bills himself a “political occultist expert.” These dorks always claim to have profound insight about sinister magical practices, but as usual the right hand has no idea what the left hand is really doing.



“I know all that evil shit.”


Now try to follow, because Daniel told silver-haired Udo Krier stand-in Christopher McDonald this week that this year’s halftime show with Shakira and Jennifer Lopez was “truly foundational higher magic,” so you know this is going to be complex and multi-layered.

You’re going to have to be dialed into some really high-grade thinking to appreciate the powerful nuances of this academic analysis. It’s not for amateurs

Anyway he says it was all about Moloch, because he claims he saw giant letter M’s on the field and M is for Moloch. Or M might stand for masons, he’s not really sure.

Lucky we have a political occultist expert to excavate this rich and profound semiotic riddle.

The M’s are particularly significant because “an M has three peaks on it.” Not sure what the fuck alphabet this guy is working off of. Presumably he means three angles, but that’s okay, words are not actually that important for parsing symbolism.

He further contends that the prominent Pepsi logo “contains higher Pythagorean mathematics.” If that doesn’t add up not to worry, he explains “it contains mathematics swirling, it’s sorcery.” Oh good, that’s clear as rain.

Isaac Weishaupt of–long America’s most trusted source for national news–claims that Shakira represented “the Scarlet Woman” during the halftime show.

His case? “Shakira came out in all red.” Again, most people just aren’t capable of this keen critical insight.

If you need further proof, consider that some other women who sang at the Super Bowl in previous years also sometimes wore red. It’s an open-and-shut case.

He even proclaims that Katy Perry arrived at the 2015 halftime show “riding the Beast” of Revelation. That was actually a lion–close, but you’re way off.

Then again, Weishaupt is a guy who credits the Whore of Babylon to Aleister Crowley. Lots of people get him mixed up with John of Patmos, I’m sure. They did both have a thing for hallucinogens if nothing else.

Of course there were two women performing last week, so Weishaupt is quick to point out that Jennifer Lopez’s backup dancers are wearing “black and white checker-patterned” outfits. They’re not of course, but that’s an easy mistake to make, because how many people have ever played checkers?

Black and white tiles are supposedly incriminating colors because Freemasons favor black and white mosaic floors, we’re told. There were no black and white mosaic floors in the halftime show, but that’s okay because it was the dancers instead, except it wasn’t. Got it?

Speaking of anti-Masonic mishmash, Laurie, host of the deranged anti-Masonic YouTube channel “Exposing Corruption”–who has indeed left her ass exposed in the wind pretty regularly–explained after the performance that it revealed how “the Luciferians that run this world are bound by Kabbalahistic rules and laws.” 



“Rule 27B/6, no socks with sandals…”


So, couple things: Masonry isn’t Luciferianism, Luciferianism isn’t Kabbalah, Kabbalah isn’t Masonry, and as every reader knows the world is in fact run by white mice. Other than that, spot-on.

Since Lopez appeared on a platform that looked like the Empire State Building, obviously that was a reference to New York’s Reproductive Health Act from last year.

Because the famously sleepy burgh of New York City would never be referenced for any other reason. Lopez was of course born in the Bronx, but this presumably just means the Illuminati planned both her birthplace and the abortion law 50 years ago.

Sometimes they just come out and admit that the conspiratorial “symbolism” is based on nothing at all: At one point backup dancers surround Shakira, and Lauren claims this reminds her of a sculpture of demons.

There’s no particular reason for this, “it just popped into my head” she says. I’m an Old Media guy, so I contend that repeating intrusive thoughts out loud is not perhaps the basis for a broadcast career, outside of the very specific context of Network that is.

BTW the sculpture she references is actually a statue of Jesus. Its installation at the Vatican was perhaps an important context clue.

Why do people believe these obviously wrong things, even when we debunk them right to their faces? Well, admittedly, many of them are stupid. Others are sincerely troubled and not getting the help they need, because this is America.

But most stupid or ill people manage life without brushing their teeth with shit (metaphorically speaking…), so maybe there’s something deeper at work.

Psychoanalyst Charles Strozier’s 1994 book Apocalypse: On the Psychology of Fundamentalism In America says that these sorts of conspiratorial conflicts “have roots in trauma in the self.”

That trauma, he says, is external–fundies perceive disaster in trends like secular thought, human rights, and personal and sexual emancipation, and find comfort in the idea there’s a grand cosmic battle against evil happening rather than just, you know, people not caring what they think anymore.

But it’s also internal–because they’re part of society, so they fear they’ve failed too. Why is their piety inadequate to guide the world? What if they too have somehow lost their way? The fear of Satan is to a degree projection…or so Strozier has it.

If America’s dumbest, most easily led, most dangerous people are indeed acting out of pain and trauma, I guess the compassionate thing would be to counsel sympathy.

On the other hand, a rabid animal is acting out of pain too. And in those cases the compassionate thing is to put them down.



“I thought you said we could work something out?” “Yeah, this is it.”