No one in America deserves an accuser more than Judge Roy Moore. And, fortunately, it turns out we have several on hand.

A lot of people may already be tired of hearing about Moore, the disgraced Alabama judge turned disgraced US Senate candidate. In defiance of natural law, I was sick of him before I was even born.

But we have something of an obligation to talk about this. By “we” I mean not only Satanists, but every non-Roy Moore person in America.

Because Moore is the real deal. Walking, talking, molesting proof that every worst case scenario we’ve ever imagined about the religious right is true. And you can bet your sweet bippy it ain’t pretty.



Oh believe me, I do.

By now everyone knows that an Alabama woman accused Moore of molesting her when she was 14. Just one of seemingly countless women who say he assaulted or creeped on them as teens.

Moore says life begins at conception, and apparently so do his advances. Former employees at a Gadsden, AL mall even say the place barred him after he kept showing up to smell teen spirit. The great thing about that is how totally normal it is for a grown man, right?

The judge claims he always got permission from teen girl’s mothers before “dating” them. Again, entirely normal. I’m not even strangling myself in horror, promise.

Since those days, Moore twice became Chief Justice of Alabama’s Supreme Court. And the court also twice kicked him out, both times for shitting on the first amendment.

(Figuratively, although for safety’s sake keep him away from the real document too.)

For those keeping score, that makes Moore the only judge barred from both the Supreme Court and the food court.

But he keeps getting second—and third, fourth, etcchances because Moore’s other great passion besides “youth outreach” happens to be Jesus, which keeps some voters partial to him.

“He’s done a lot of good. Everything else is for the lord to sort out,” a local Baptist preacher told NBC News.

Obsessive homophobe Tim Wildmon agreed, saying, “I don’t think this kind of story will change support for him among Christians.”

Moore’s brother Jerry—yes, there’s more than one, and between them the pair are a very persuasive argument for birth controleven told CNN that Roy was “being persecuted, like Jesus was.”

I take this to mean we will soon stab Roy Moore with spears and drive nails through his extremities. Please let me know when so I can take off work that day. I have additional suggestions.


roy moore molester satan

Legal Disclaimer: This is not a threat against Roy Moore. More of an idle desire. Or maybe idol desire, in my case.

To be fair, many Christian groups criticized Moore too.

But in a JMC poll, 37 percent of Alabama fundies said the charges made them MORE likely to vote for him. Only 28 percent said less likely.

For decades, fundies proved overweeningly eager to “believe the children” when it came to the old Satanic Panic or “Pizzagate” lunacy.

But when the “children” (now grown, although we’re to believe this somehow hurts their credibility) want to be believed about this, no one has the time. Leaving Roy Moore’s Russian hands and American ambitions unchecked.

So, to review: Roy Moore hates secular law. He hates religious freedom. He REALLY hates LGBT people. And he loves kids WAY too much.

I haven’t heard his opinion about Satanists, but you don’t exactly have to be fucking Kreskin to divine that one either. If this guy doesn’t hate every last ounce of our stinking guts, we’re doing it wrong.

By his example, we see that everything we fear about what the religious right will do with political power is true.

We’re not paranoid. We’re not just assuming the worst. We don’t really “just hate Christians.”

The truth is, millions of our fellow Americans actually are this fucking nuts. And they vote, Ba’al help us all.

Via Twitter, Moore himself blamed the “forces of evil” for his troubles. Presumably by this he means the devil.

And while it’s true that one of the translations of “Satan” is “accuser,” in this case Judge Roy Moore doesn’t need the devil to accuse him of anything.

Because according to the women of the state of Alabama, Old Scratch would just have to get in line anyway.


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“La la la la, I’m not listening, I’m not listening…”